DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER |
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DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER |
 There is a difference for me between these two words - Alone and Aloneness, - and while some might think I am splitting hairs, yet for me, there is a profound difference in meaning that is, I feel, often missed by therapists who hear their clients speaking about feeling lonely and feeling aloneness. It is possible to be alone, that is, in a place or situation where one is the only body present yet not feel an aloneness or lonely. There is no sad or lonely emotion connected with the absence of others. One might be out hiking, driving a car or at home with noone else around. It is often said it is possible to feel alone in a crowd and this is true, and this feeling has more to do with feeling alone than aloneness. Sometimes wishing one were with a friend or family while seeing throngs of people milling round at concert, or outdoor show or parade can bring twinges of loneliness. It is NOT experiencing Aloneness. The Aloneness of which I am writing is apart from feeling alone, feeling lonely. It is an isolation of HEART and MIND, not a seperation of body from other bodies. I am putting this in the DID section of my site because perhaps more than any, those who are Multiple will grasp what I am saying more quickly. My apologies if this is not so. The world is full of protests against discrimination - of race, intellect, sexual preference, economic status, social standing, the list is as long as people can think up reasons. But the discrimination that appears to be accepted without much, if any, acknowledgment in the arena where it should most be exposed, is that of allloting a stigmatized sterotypical view of Abuse survivors. By this, I am referring to the Mental Health System in which there is a definite triage mindset of who qualifies for immediate attention, funding and treatment. Deciding whose straits should be most aired by the media, movies and educational conferences for public awareness and understanding. There has been much MUCH needed addressing of the incidence and money-making industry of Pornography, though I still think the REAL issues there are missed in the effort to capture the perpetrators rather than help the victims, ( see my article TAINTED. http://www.goessoftlyishere.com/), and Domestic Violence issues have been addressed for a long time. Abuse of varied severity and origins can, and does, find different Groups who support Trauma victims to the best of their ability. More and more awareness is slowly creeping into the minds of the general populace in an effort to decrease Abuse, but within the circle of the Mental Health Establishment there is discrmination in the hierachy for diagnoses that puts Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) at the BOTTOM of the List, in my mind. It is here that ALONESESS is felt, experienced, and present in spades. I am not a Multpile but I will relate my feelings of Aloneness to ilustrate what I have in mind. When I was growing up as a child, as the only Chinese in an all White community in England, I encountered the Color Bar which excluded anyone a shade darker then white. My mother's social circle was steeped in Snoberry (only truly understood by those who have been the recipients of it), and I was an only adopted child amongst all the children in the neighborhood. Unknown to my mother or anyone, because I did not talk, I was subjected to psychological, emotional, physical and sexual abuse and its accompanying denigration of a child's sense of Self or value. Later,in my teens when alone in London training to be a Nurse, even meeting other Chinese there was a language barrier. My own sense of shame at being Chinese having been repeatedly conditioned to believe that the rejection I knew growing up would last my life time because I was not worth looking at twice, nor had the brains of a sewer rat that could ever find its way out of the sewer, resulted in my finding no comfort being around other Chinese in terms of feeling accepted or understood. They did not know my story, and I did not know theirs, although I became infuriated at seeing how they were also subjected to the same ostracizing I knew. It is interesting how we find courage to stand up for others, even strangers, and defy oppressors, speak out against injustice, put ourself at risk for them rather than for ourselves. I did this time and time again when living in London yet did not lift a finger on my own behalf and none did for me. Stating a fact, not a poor me complaint! Aloneness. It is the knowledge that NO ONE can fully enter ones world shaped and furnished by the vagaries of Abuse. No matter how empathic or seeking to help, more often, rescue, are the efforts of others. What can they do? They cannot know how diminished one feels in ones own eyes. How anchorless ones vessel tosses, helplessly drifitng in a surrounding sea of others solidly grounded in their views and opinions of what Life should be. Whose certainty of what is NORMAL occludes all one has thought to be normal as the daily portion of children growing up in an abusive environment. Bottom line, when I would run to the refuge of the New Forest sanctuary (acres of country woodland) away from hurt and people, confusion and fear I remained with the ALONENESS of myself in which lay all the secret demons only I could fight. How does one relate the inexpressible? Use words when there are none to describe, not traumas of the body, but the mutilation of a sense that one belongs to what is called the human race. Racism and Color though deeply entrenched in bigotory and perhaps the most universally discussed topic under the heading of Discrimination, though important, often overshadows the universal presence of ABUSE so seldom referred to as being discriminated against. In therapy, with the client informing us of their feeings of being "different", "weird", "crazy", "unloved" or any number of descriptive feelings, I have yet to hear my ex-clients or present friend survivors , nor when I was in practice, use the word, " Aloneness". Yet, how good,in my mind, if we, as therapists, could only grasp the unique-to -each client phenomenon that there is an intrinsic Aloneness NOT connected to external surroundings, people, places, situations, but has to do with the certain belief there is no one who can truly understand, or would believe what torture of every kind can do to the human mind, spirit and body. There is no exact replica of any one person's experince even though the abuse methods may be the same or similar. It is the understandng of this purely PERSONAL and INDIVIDUAL variable in the equation of therapist/client dyadic work that, in my mind, is pivitol for our being able to come from the CLIENT's frame of reference, understand their world as far as is possible, and tap into the unspoken things that can never be voiced, without ALONENESS being recognized . My Aloneness birthed in racism and social stigmata does not compare with the Aloneness I have heard voiced and felt from many many SRA (Satanic Ritual Abuse), MC ( Mind Control) survivors. Time and time again hearing from them how Isolation wraps around their living creating schisms between spouses, parents and children, friends and workmates. To clarify here so it is not thought I am comparing my abuse with that of Cult and Mind Control survivors,that one is worse or less than another. I do not compare the ABUSE of any person with that of another. How each person reacts to trauma is as individual as the incident(s). I am referring to the difference of the SITUATION. I cannot compare my experiecne with a mother who has lost a child, or a spouse who has lost their mate, or a cult survivor who has not walked in my shoes, any more than I have theirs. No matter how close, no matter how distanced, no matter how many or few, whether fellow survivors or non- survivors, therapists and advocates, the aloneness of Aloneness cannot be reached by seeking to break down barriers through talk, analysis, and theoretical modalities, though in my experience psychoanalytic treatment is the least effective in treating DID, and Person-Centered approaches are best suited to the flexibility needed to encompass the continuous roller-coaster journey of the Multiple. There are those things better "felt" than "telt" and Aloneness is one such. It is the Night that holds no glimmer of a star, the windowless room where silent screams bounce off the wall seeking outlets where there are none. It is the drowning in a grief too deep to build a dam, terror too paralyzing for incremental move, isolation FAR beyond loneliness and lonely. It is the being left utterly and totally to, and in, onesself where all resources, all decisions, all Hope or despair do not rest on outside influence but are pushed deeper and deeper into the furthest recesses of our own internal being. I have known what it feels like to be alone. I have known what it is like to feel lonely - but I hope, more than these, I will draw from once known Aloneness when I meet those who struggle desperately to find freedom from the ungiving vice of self- restraining chains. Those who live with multiplicity, know a double portion of Aloneness. They not only isolate into their INNER world, understood ONLY by its occupants, an Aloneness that even other Mulitples can not transform, but in the OUTER world, the most well meaning soul has no ability to step into another's Life Abuse worn shoes. All we can do is to acknowledge this Aloneness, respect it, and any reaching out so risked, offer gentle containment for each unvoiced need. Goessoftly Retired Therapist http://www.goessoftlyishere.com permission for reprints is required. | Normalizing and Demystifying DID | DID and Littles.(Child/Young Alters) | ISOLATION | Mono's Disbelief | Distortion: Good and Evil | ASPECTS OF BODY CHANGES | Relationships | Across The Board | Across The Board | FORGIVENESS | I am BAD | Headaches | LYING AND DECEPTION | LOST and LOSS | EYES | Controversy. 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