 Recently, in conversation with a friend with whom I exchange ideas and views on what can arise from the vicissitudes of Life, the thought of Challenge arose, and has stayed with me as something to ponder more about. In another conversation with a survivor friend, I was listening to her experiences with her pet birds and she informed me of a fact totally new to me. I discovered that ALL birds hatching from their eggshell, rather than my preconceived idea that their pecking through the shell was to put strength into the new body, that in actual fact, the challenge to LIVE necessitates them getting out of their shell or they will die, from lack of oxygen. Thus, it is not a matter of strength but of LIFE, to pass the first challenge as they enter the world outside their shell, and from there on out it is challenge after challenge. To find food, to stay safe, to learn to fly, to fight, to nest and so on. Applying these thoughts to the Healing Process, it is not hard to reach some parallels. Challenge lies before everyone of us and starts before the cradle. In utero the developing babe must challenge not only its ability to survive in the womb but deal with whatever Mother is facing during pregnancy. If Mom has a drug or alcohol problem the babe is challenged in its first place of supposed security with an invasion into its physical, emotional and psychological integrity. This, through the placenta. The results will go on into a future where challenges will increase from a severely compromised development. It is born with a label - FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) , and should it survive, must overcome the challenges not only of the drug effects on its personality and physical handicaps but internalize a preverbal impression of its parent's and other's reaction to its distress and their attitude and acceptance or lack thereof. For survivors whose abuse, sadly, can start in infancy, the challenges are myriad. Like the fledgling, the birth process is not a question of increasing strength, but of fighting for LIFE. It cannot stay forever in Mother's abdomen so the challenge to emerge into an alien world and survive is a necessity not an option. For those of us who are therapists there are questions I would ask myself and colleagues, and those who are clients who have as much right to challenge if they wish. They are these: ** How do I challenge myself ? ** How do I react as a therapist to challenges from clients, or as a client to challenges from therapists, colleagues, friends or others ? ** Would I, as a therapist, challenge my clients, or as client, challenge my therapist, and if so, how, why and when. If not, why not? Before addressing these questions, I want to return to my Bird analogy of the healing process in the light of abuse and the challenges confronting survivors. Abuse has as many names as there are choices by perpetrators whose imagery and skewed thinking can conjure up limitless methods to assert their obsession for total control, power and self-gratification over, and through, others. For this writing, "others" speak of young lives from prebirth through the growing years of childhood, though challenges extend throughout the span of life. A fledgling HAS to overcome the challenge of breaking through the shell that surrounds them - the shell that has been their source of inner nourishment, of outer protection and prenatal sense of security, belonging and being. The Challenge to break out is not a cognitive awareness of survival needs, but a reflexive process that in dying, they will continue life. Within the shell their supply of oxygen is running out. Oxygen must now be obtained from an outside source. Let me expand a little here. As the time to face the first seen challenge of life occurs, the fledgeling lacks oxygen and goes into convulsions which enables it to break the shell. On their beak is a small bump known as the 'egg beak' - which later disappears - and it is this beak that chips away at the shell with every spasm of convulsion. If the bird cannot break the shell it will suffocate from lack of oxygen. So,using this anlaogy, we human beings actually have to go through a dying process to live, and the challenge of living from birth onward is a living to be able to die. The act of birth is not an option, it is a necessity and it is our first observable challenge. When the nine month term is up, labor pains, (contractions) not unlike the young bird's convulsive movements propel the baby through the birth canal. It MUST emerge from its previous place and space of maternally provded security, nourishment, protection and attachment. Emerge into an alien world where challenge after challenge await it. It is easy for a therapist treating abuse survivors to neglect consideration of where challenges begin for their clients. To forget that abuse can often begin in the presumed safe refuge of the womb. Yet how many women are themselves abused during their pregrnancies? Battered women, prostitutes abused by pimps and customers, drug addicts, alcoholics abused in desperate cravings for, and ingestion of, the next fix. Pregnant women raped, molested, by spouse and stranger. Beatings, disorders such as annorexia, bulemia, the list is endless for harming the potential mother - but what of the child? In utero , there are more unseen challenges at a time when life is not fully formed or developed, than have been thought of, or addressed. It is my thought that in utero , Dissociation can be one way to deal with overwhelming challenges met by an unformed psyche during brain development. In such a formative stage there is no such thing as option, of choice, of will, or understanding. Cognition is not yet in situ. Fragmentation of the mind is one way to face prepartum trauma. Where twins, triplets, quadruplets or more, share one prenatal home how does abuse or trauma challenge their present and their future? Should one or more die before or after birth - what challenges present for those who now become the living survivor (s) ? When a mother is raped, battered, prostituted, alcoholic and/or drug addicted, suffering from mental, or physical disorders, the potential of the child for losing its first observable challenge in life increases exponentially. What of the Egg Beak ? What can enable the unborn infant to go through the dying process in pursuit of life? It occurs to me that perhaps it is this very tool of Challenge that enables dying to proceed to life, and living to prepare for death. Unlike the fledgling, our 'Egg Beak' does not disappear after birth, it remains until the last breath is taken and that in itself is a Challenge! The Healing Process of abuse survivors is not the only journey full of Challenges. It is my thought that Challenges for all humanity are like the stepping stones across a river whose current would sweep away the path to solid ground if we refuse to step on them and go from one onto the next. Challenges require us to seek the food digestable and suited to our health both physically, emotionally and psychologically, to stay safe, to learn to fly and rise above all obstacles, to fight, to nest, to reach a goal, a Hope, an answer that makes sense, to learn above all, who we are and where our Peace is found. Perhaps during two major confrontations with death, and nine months in bed with a type of rheumatoid Arthritis, three months of which were spent learning to walk again, I have had space to consider things more serious than contemplating Bhuddha's navel - such as what really constitutes the difference bewteen living and existing, between living and dying. In facing Challenges we learn to live, and we prepare to die . It is not an option but a neccessity. So back to my questions. ** How do I challenge myself ? ** How do I react as therapist to challenges from clients, or as client to challenges from therapists, colleagues, others? ** Would I, as therapist, challenge clients, or as client, challenge my therapist, and if so, how, why and when. If not, why not? ** How do I challenge myself ? Perhaps the first way of challenging myself is to accept Challenge. A challenge is, is it not, a call to fight, a summons to figure out a controversy, an invitation to identify oneself, to call into question what is stated? As a survivor of abuse I have spent nearly seventy years answering these Challenges, and perhaps all who have a history of trauma would state that they have struggled too, BUT how many of such challenges have been those I have posed to myself, not those thrust or forced upon me by others and/or circumstance? Growing up, I was challenged every day by a barrage of Shakespearean " slings and arrows of outrageous fortune" - for me, rained down from the skies of Racism without, emotional and mental Self-attacks within. ( For many others, unspeakable horrors from many sources bring challenges far greater than my own ). Taking up challenges in younger years was not wholly an aware decision. Put differently, as a toddler and prepubescent child responding to the call to fight, it was not perceived as Challenge, rather, it was a reactive protection to survive both physically and mentally. For one thing, at so young an age there is no concept that ones core sense of Self has been compromised, that one is unawarely fighting to preserve an individuality abusers would eradicate if possible. It is only later on in life and often after many ignoble defeats and devastating struggles does one become aware of how one handled challenges known only to onesself. Age and life experiences teach us to self-challenge where controversy impinges on our inner sense of right and wrong. To question long held beliefs, conditioned rules and orders that run programmed tapes demanding belief in what we now discover to be lies and skewed distortions. To dare to question what for years has been deeply implanted in our minds as truth is daunting beyond imagination for the survivor thus engraved. To challenge the identity with which we clothe ourselves, because we were dressed by others and now the garments of percevied stupidity, of worthless, usless, valueless, shame-filled ignomy, feel too tight, or become too painful with the wearing. We start to outgrow them and we rebel through Challenge. How I challenge myself today is vastly different from when I was a child. As mentioned above, in childhood, Challenge is not perceived in the defintion it holds for a more informed adult. As a child, confronting Challenge was not overt. To show any hint of oppostion would bring verbal and/or physical retribution . It meant chipping at the shell with unobserved convulsive attempts to reach some life-giving oxygen before my child- degraded lungs collapsed. I went inward. Shutting out the world around, building walls that closed communication other than the superficial niceties required by mother-taught convention to Society. Is this not what abuse dictates in face of Challenge for the child who has nowhere to go, no one to turn to, no system of support in place ? Private, unseen, unheard self-dialogue that questioins, doubts, despairs, screams silently in vain for answers - challenging myself to find what I could not find, but stepping on each challenge to go on in hope of reaching solid ground. As a child, my Identity was Challenged. WHO goes there? I could not answer that. All I knew was what was told me of a less-than person who happened to be yellow skinned, slant-eyed, good for nothing worthy of another's praise or notice or acceptance. I do admit today to having adament feelings around the matter of Acceptance, which for me, is NOT a tolerance, but FULL acceptance of others in their entirety. Their light and shadow sides, their yin and yang, the whole gestalt of who they ARE, not what they do or how they may appear. This comes, I know from never being accepted in this way and being determined not to do to others what was done to me. Seeking no doubt, to deal with camera-caught expressions turned in light seconds to a memory, but still with keen ability to sheer the tender membrane of a small child's confidence. As a child, fighting was a Challenge - with other children bent on hurting for their pleasure and to see how long it took to break me physically or emotionally. The greater fight, the greater challenge never seen by my abusers, took place in the heart and mind arena against formidable opponents already belted with their titles firmly tied around their waists from previous victories. Fear, Pain, Doubt, Humiliation, Guilt, Shame, Self- hate, Fathomless Loneliness, Hopelessness, Despair etc. Are these not the challenges that haunt one through the years unless the Healing Process has begun and made steady inroads? How many times the Challenge to face these foes were flung at me. How many times my shattered Self lay on the floor of defeat until the count of 9 would bring me tottering to my feet again. One more step across the river of No Return. I dare not fall into it. Today, when challenged for my Identity I check within to self-examine where I find the place of what feels right for me - be it spiritual, physical or psychological. Today, I use awarely, the tool of Challenge to chip away at any shell pieces still encapsulating me, keeping me from fully breathing in the ogygen of Life. There will always be one more stepping stone to full awareness of who I am and the solidity of a measure of Self -understanding . I do not believe I can ever in this life outdo , out run, out utilize my Challenges. Nor do I wish to. From birth I am preparing for death - this cannot be accomplished without Challenge. I would seek to learn as much as is within my power to do so, with the Hope I can leave with dying LIFE even as I came into this world through living death. ** How do I react to Challenges from clients, colleagues, friends and others? Less and less defensively. Defensiveness is the slippery moss that has caused me many times to my lose footing on a stepping stone of Challenge and sometimes, nearly lose my life in the waters of No Return. Wisdom for me, is my common sense. The doing what my inner voice would tell me, such as which way to go. Simple example: If I have two apples in front of me and one is wormy, common sense tells me to discard the wormy one - it is also wise to avoid digestive troubles! Intuition nudges me in safe directions unless I block my ears and stifle it to silence. I have done this more times than I can count and it has caused me more needless suffering than I could ever say or wish to admit. It is not so important who is challending me, but how I react and what I do. The Who, is important only in relevance to how it impacts my living or a situation. It is not the Challenge but the outcome that determines how much further I can emerge from my shell. If I do not, or cannot use my 'Egg Beak' ,( Challenge), in the right way I will die just like a fledgeling - suffocated from lack of oxygen. This Who, transitions to my last question. ** Would I, as therapist, challenge clients, or as client, challenge my therapist, and if so, how, why and when. If not, why not? I will address Challenge in terms of the Client/Therapist dyad. Challenge is not limited to a vebal question that requires overt presentation. We can be challenged by tone of voice, use of words, body language, triggers, our own response to the client or the therapist, the situation or circumstance addressed. In session, Challenge is ongoing in all the ways mentioned above - but there are times when verbal challenge from therapist to client, or client to therapist, seems, in my mind, appropriate and needed. Thus, there is my unconscious challenging my client, and vice versa, with body language, aware and unaware inflections in our voice, facial expressions and choice of topic. Keeping my own agenda challenges my client's right to BE, to follow what is most important to them in the moment. It messages a Power assumption that my position as their therapist holds more authority than my client's truth and what is significant to them. The client's reaction to me, their non-verbal langauge, challenges my ability to sense and know when I have crossed a boundary. Challenges my professionalism in keeping to my oath to seek the welfare of my patients before all else. When I miss the cues I miss the challenge and, in my mind, I fail to fill the role that I have chosen. Having said this, I do not think my client is always right, always needs agreeing with, always holds the insight. Training and experience, more especially the latter, give me pause to think of when, and how and why, direct verbal challenge is appropriate. So for myself, my motive must be honest in objective, right timing be essential for its delivery and the manner non-aggressive. I think my habit through the years has always been encouraging my clients to think - this is the challenge. Think about THEIR hows, their whens and whys of what they bring to look at and explore. Having then done this, to consider What - What they wish to do about their discoveries and options. I do not think it possible NOT to challenge one another no matter with whom we interact. Our senses, our beliefs, our thinking, actions, behaviors, motives and character are continually being challenged, so perhaps the thing to do might be to ask ourselves: ** What in myself needs challenging in order to reach the potential that can help me discover who I am and the freedom to enjoy that ? ** What in therapy needs challenging to promote lasting healing and avoid unnecssary errors and retraumatizing hurts ? ** When does the therapist, and when does the client, NEED challenging for the sake of the therapy rather than the individual? Might the answer be - to remember Challenge is the 'Egg Beak' with which we chip away at the shell that has encased us since we were first formed inside our mother's womb? Like, the fledgling, if we are eventually to fly to freedom in the open skies, or use our Challenges as stepping stones to cross unstable waters and find our solid ground - understandingt how we face and handle challenges of every kind, be they from ourselves, or others, can help us to complete the cycle. At birth we gain life by dying, in living we prepare to die. Through Challenges it is possible the depth and length and quality of preparation depends on our individual response to every one of them. When I face life's last Challenge, Death, I think of thousands upon thousands of the challenges from a myriad sources both within and without - offered to me, confronting me, forced on me, suggested, invited, held out to me by friend and foe, but bottom line the one last challenge of how I face my death will always be mine and mine alone. ********************** Goessoftly Retired Therapist www.goessoftlyishere.com (Permission for reprints is required)   | LISTENING | RETRAUMATIZATION | PSYCHOBABBLE 1 | PSYCHOBABBLE 2A | PSYCHOBABBLE 2B | Did You Ever Push MY BUTTONS ! ! | Balance | THE INVISIBLE ONES | WEEDS | RECOGNIZING DISTRESS | COMMUNICATION | INTERVIEW (The lighter side) | INNOCUOUS INTERVIEW ? | The THERAPIST as RISK TAKER | TAINTED | EXPLOITATION | CAN I TRUST YOU? | CAN I TRUST YOU? | Me According to ME | | THE HEALING PROCESS | DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER | POETRY | Biographical Entries | THE OTHER SIDE OF LIFE | STORIES FOR LITTLES (Pigmus and friends) | SEEDLING THOUGHTS TO WATER | I Wish | | Return Home | Great Links | Sign/View Guestbook | |
||
