 Did You ever Push MY BUTTONS !
Do you ever wonder how it happens that our kids, our spouse, our workmates, or anyone really, manage so well to push our buttons? Bulls eye ! Dead on target and we react immediately and without thought to the emotion that is stirred up inside whether it be anger, resentment, guilt, grief, and sometimes funny-bone crack up laughter. The trouble with pushed buttons, is that is is so easy to feel the reaction rather than to check inside and figure out why we have that particular reaction. I made a rather astonishing discovery one day, and I don't mind if you disagree with me, but I would like to share it with you anyway. True, people push our buttons, but we help them to do it. How so? The discovery I made was that when my buttons are pushed it more often than not has far more to do with ME, than with the button pusher. So I get mad, ( well, actually, it take a lot to get me angry) , but since anger is the most common reaction to button pushing I will use it - and I let off steam like I'm trying to qualify for the dragon fire-spewing championship - and all that is accomplished is a no-win situation where two people end up either hurt, angry, depressed,offended, resentful, all of above or none of above and something else that seperates rather than unites. A long time ago I asked a question of myself to use when my buttons are pushed with the hope that it would prevent uneccessary pain for myself and the button-pusher. Someone says or does something that provokes me, but before I lash back I ask myself this question. ( just stopping a moment to do this is a good way to avoid turning a harmless July 4th sparkler into a sky-exploding rocket). So, I say to myself, " Is my reaction MORE than this incident really warrants? If so, then hold your horses, lady, and later, think about the original source of that button. Just for now, see how much your reaction is valid and how much really belongs somewhere else ". So often, what is said to us that provokes a negative reaction does this because it reminds us of another time(s) when someone else said or did exactly the same thing and perhaps in the same tone of voice or manner, and it was cause for deep hurt and maybe traumatic at that time. It then got stored inside, bottled up and not dealt with, so it only takes a quick reminder today to push our button big time. Does this relate at all? I am not saying there is not legitimate reason for being angry when a button is pushed and if this is the case, again, the solution is not to meet anger with anger but to seek a time and place to talk it out and say truthfully,( not shout - since unless the other person is wearing a hearing aid, they can likley hear a normal voice very well and will react more kindly to it) how what has been said has made us feel and why. Let us remember one thing, that if, when we do this the other person cannot accept our effort to problem solve and holds onto the bone like a bulldog whose jaws seem soddered rather than clamped shut, that then the problem is THEIR stuff and not ours. The important key in all conflictual relationships is to understand and recognize what is our stuff and what belongs to the other person. Sadly, we so often get them reversed. We take on someone else's problems and hand ours over to them. So, perhaps this quick exercise might help a little when our buttons are pushed. First, STOP before speaking - secondly, do a quick self-examination and ask, "Am I reacting more than I should to this?", if so, then I need to check out what belongs to me and what belongs to the other person. If it is me, it isn't going to destroy me to say, " You really pushed my button just now but it's because it reminds me of someone who did exactly the same thing when I was a kid and it really bugs me. Please don't do/say (whatever) again if you can help it". Variations of this will need to be worded according to what the button is about. If whatever has been said is not appropriate then the speaker should be confronted with that fact, and it's okay to say, " Hey, that's not appopriate because .... (give a valid reason) and you really push my buttons when you do/say that. I'd appreciate you stopping right now". If we are honest with ourselves, we will also admit that sometimes we know exactly how to push another person's buttons and we do it, right? This is the other side of the coin and material for another article, " Do I ever want to push YOUR Buttons! " These kind of buttons do not get sewn on outer clothing but they surely can get sown (pun here) INTO our hearts and minds, and like all foreign bodies introduced into our natural body, can create inflamation leading to infection, formation of pus and if left untreated, will eventually become fatal. This can happen in relationships, little provoking words or behavior can find their way into our thoughts and feelings and set up an irritation that gets covered with resentment which, in turn leads to more serious consequences that strain and stress the relationship and may even destroy it. Perhaps in sharing this tidbit of personal experience we can think a little more of how to deal with having our buttons pushed and to do so in a way that will give us insight into why we can sometimes overreact and how we can differentiate between the feelings and emotions and put them where they really belong. Are they actually associated with the past and US, or do they belong to the present and the button-pusher, or perhaps both? Understanding button-pushing can help us increase the quality of our relationships and avoid uneccessary conflict and pain. Goessoftly Retired Therapist www.goessoftlyishere.com (permission for reprints is required)    | LISTENING | RETRAUMATIZATION | PSYCHOBABBLE 1 | PSYCHOBABBLE 2A | PSYCHOBABBLE 2B | Did You Ever Push MY BUTTONS ! ! | Balance | THE INVISIBLE ONES | WEEDS | RECOGNIZING DISTRESS | COMMUNICATION | INTERVIEW (The lighter side) | INNOCUOUS INTERVIEW ? | The THERAPIST as RISK TAKER | TAINTED | CAN I TRUST YOU? | CAN I TRUST YOU? | CAN I TRUST YOU? | Me According to ME | | THE HEALING PROCESS | DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER | POETRY | Biographical Entries | THE OTHER SIDE OF LIFE | STORIES FOR LITTLES (Pigmus and friends) | SEEDLING THOUGHTS TO WATER | | Return Home | Great Links | Sign/View Guestbook | |
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