 On reflection, life is composed of things essential and things unessential. Life is shaped, influenced, coloured and eventually we become who we are according to what we decide is essential to us, and by living to acquire, possess, attain and become these things. Writing this will bring me, I hope, some perspective in an effort to balance the equation between the morbid but realistic side of abuse's legacy, and another reality, namely, the proverbial silver lining that all clouds ( proverbally) contain. I have entitled this book, "You hurt my Hurt" . There will never be a life without hurts of one kind or another from a superficial graze to a deep debilitating wound, and it is part of life for there to be added bruises and cuts that somewhere will happen to land on the same spot of an old injury, stirring up memories, if not pain. This is an analogy of any hurt that is not physical but that graze or deeply wound our heart, soul and mind. When it comes to what is essential about Hurt, is not that we experience pain so scars can act as, "X marks the spot", or we have a one-hurt-up on someone else to trade in telling war stories, or that others know who hurt us and how bad they are, or that we find ways to retaliate and achieve some sort of revenge and retribution on the hurters. For me, what is important and essential, is what lessons have I learned from my Hurts? How can I grow, how have I let them affect my thinking, my outlook on life and towards others? Am I a better person for having done these things, or have I allowed Hurt to warp my soul, my thinking and rob me of the ability to love, to forgive, to have compassion and be self, rather than other,controlled. What is Essential to me is not what Hurt has done to me, but what I have done because of it. Put another way, it is not the Hurt per se, e.g., the beating, the rape, the verbal slashing I sustain, that is essential but how can I become a better person from learning more about myself and why I feel,think, react the way I do to hurt and hurters. Perhaps even more importantly, how can I, in turn, treat others in such a way as to not repeat what has been done to me. My friends who know me well, know I am a gentle soul and a great lover of peace and harmony. However, making and keeping peace is not being a door mat, lying down and saying submissively, " Be my guest, do walk all over me I won't protest, I promise you". Being meek is NOT being weak, and being gentle is not lacking assertiveness. I believe what a good friend of mine once told me that one side of Humility is being able to stand up for ones convictions. Is not Hurt the result of our convictions being crossed? How we see something that has been done, heard or told that we feel is not true or fair? We receive perceived or real unfair judgment, watch another being mistreated, suffer grievous loss uneccessarily, experience betrayal for causes so opposite to our own way of thinking - the list is endless - but we are Hurt. However, when we are able to express this without rancour and resentment, there is room to look objectively at what is happening. It seems to me that the extent and depth to which I am hurt is in exact correlation to my bond and relationship with the one who has hurt me. It is perhaps, the reason why the most difficult part of healing for abuse survivors is in coming to terms with the fact that abuse was perpetrated by the most significant caretakers when we are so little, so helpless and dependent on them. When the abuser was our mother, father or siblings, the Hurt is immeasurable and something in us refuses to acknowledge the source of our Hurt. It is easier to blame ourself, at least it is for me anyway, and I am not in any way seeking to put how I feel and what I think at others' door. This is a gobbledygook, a flowing of thoughts as they come into my mind and I burble on, talking to myself. If the reader wishes to listen in and comment silently (or out loud!), that is their perogative. So, I can turn Hurt into something very positive if I wish by self-examining why I am hurt, what exactly has been touched, crossed, opened, exposed in ME that I am reacting the way I am. It is Unessential to me that I prove the other person wrong, either in thinking or deed. This smacks of pettiness and self justification and benefits no one. It is unessential that I mull over all the whys and wherefores of my hurter's agenda and motive and expend energy and emotional draining on seeking to teach my hurter a lesson. It is Essential that I take care of myself, search my own motives and intentions and decide if I am going to allow Hurt or others hurting my Hurt, to dominate my life. To influence me in such a way I am chained to a negative outlook and thinking that cannot but end in negative conclusions. My Bed Musings, Goobledygooks, Seedling Thoughts and Articles are all part of my exploring how to work through hurt and hurt Hurts, to help me seperate the Essential from the Unessential. They are all, actually, a form of gobbledygooking, looking at my childhood and how it was for me then, how the past has affected my present, my work, my philosophy of Life and what I am choosing to do with the future. I really think that when facing the reality of death as being present and not something that will occur, " sometime but not today", helps me take to task exactly what is essential for me to look at and work towards, and what is unessential and needs to be discarded. Recognizing the hindering weights that stop my feet from walking and my soul from rising. To know when my heart is no longer opening wide to myself and all mankind and when my mind is blocked from treasured Wisdom. By nature, I am an optimist, I like to see the glass threequarters full rather than half, and while trauma and hurt are far from laughable events, one CAN find humour now and then that also helps put things in perspective. For example, one of the most humiliating things done to me as a child was to have boys urinate all over me, laughing as they did so. I can, however, think of a cartoon I once saw of a droop-mouthed man, whom, a bird flying overhead made a perfect target for relieving itself. The man, griping resignedly, growls, " Go ahead. Piss all over me, everyone else is doing it". This is such a great picture of human nature. The pessimist's chronic outlook, the one who allows people to hurt their Hurts ad infinitum, the quintessential doormat, always looking at life through black coloured spectacles and is sure the glass is empty because someone had to have tipped it over. Me,I'm an optimist. Next time the birds fly over I'll have an umbrella. (open) Goessoftly Retired Therapist (www.goessoftlyishere.com)   | LEGACY OF THE UNBELOVED | CRUMBS FOR THE STARVING | DISINFECTION | BEAUTY | WHY and WHAT | Would You Still Be My friend ? | THE BOTTLE | ROSES and THISTLES | UNREACHABLE | Essentials and unessentials | | THE HEALING PROCESS | DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER | POETRY | Biographical Entries | THE OTHER SIDE OF LIFE | STORIES FOR LITTLES (Pigmus and friends) | |
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