 Some have been asking for an article about Forgiveness. This is a sensitive subject and I do not feel adequate in addressing it. I will share a few thoughts on the topic and appreciate any who would be kind enough to share their views with me and comment in the Guest Book where constructive feedback is valued. Questions so often asked have been from clients and friends who are Multiple and Non-multiple. Since those with alters/parts in one system and in one body have a more complicated view of life I will post this in the Dissociative Identity Disorder section of this site. There is no way I could possibly speak to all the variables and aspects of forgiveness so will keep to a few of the most commonly asked questions . ** How can I forgive myself? ** How can I forgive him/her/them ? ( my abusers) ** Is forgiveness a spiritual, personal, or societal requirement ? ** Is forgiveness a requirement anyway, or a choice? ** What will happen to me if I don't forgive him/her/them ? ** What difference will it make to forgive anyone? This matter of forgiving oneself is sometimes a puzzle. It has seemed to me to come under what I call Illogical Forgiveness. To give a picture of this, if I am standing with a friend and someone comes up and beats my friend up and leaves and I immediately start apologizing profusely as though I had been the one doing the Hurting, it is not logical for me to take the blame. There is no way I could have ANY idea what was going on in the mind of the beater, what his reason was for attacking my friend, nor was it my responsibility or under my control regarding the actions of the abuser. Yet, I feel, "It's all MY fault". Not only asking forgiveness from my friend, but later, self-talking my way into the mindset of " I'll never forgive myself for having allowed that to happen". Like I could have stopped it or had a choice in the matter. We have a tendency to make this scenario a personal one created in our lives as children in abuse situations. Not understanding the HUGE disparity of power and control positions, when beaten, molested or violated in many ways, we immediately start apologizing, " I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm bad. I won't do it again. I'll be good. I will, I will". Even later, in adulthood as we come to grips with our childhood stories we wear, " It's all my fault" like a second skin that we simply cannot shed. We still feel we need to forgive ourselves for being bad, a failure, not good or obedient enough or paying enough attention. This is Illogical Forgiveness. A child has no power against an adult who wields unquestioned authority as well as the belt, boot or worse. In addition, the constant brainwashing and conditioning of the child to believe in its inherent badness and continual failure to please, indellibly engraves this conviction into its self-image. The need to forgive oneself is illogical but it will not be understood or grasped by persuasion, coercion or suggestion. It is impossible for someone to make an abuse survivor " SEE" the dynamic process of Illogical Forgiveness. Then there is the aspect that we HAVE done things that are not good and have harmed others in ways that perhaps we have been harmed ourselves. We have repeated sexual abuse onto other children or our children. Our guilt and shame and self-blame becomes more than a second skin, it IS the skin in which we wrap ourselves. We do not see any other recourse but to either self-punish or be punished in the effort to atone for our sins. We self-harm, sink into depression, become suicidal, enlarging and detailing more and more what a despicable person we are, or we find ourselves in abusive situations and relationships where we "get what we deserve". Again, telling such a sufferer that their childhood conditioning and experience has much to do with influencing future behaviors will never find belief or acceptance in the tormented self-flagellation of their conscience. Perhaps of more benefit would be to move onto the question of how do we forgive him/her/them ( abusers) and is this a spiritual, personal, or societal requirement? We can often monitor and sometimes affect our own frame of reference and reach a place of change by self-examination of our attitude towards others. How often have I heard the words, " If only he/she/they would OWN UP to what they have done to me". "If they'd just ADMIT they did it I could maybe forgive them". " I feel so betrayed" " I won't ever forgive them". Betrayal has been experienced by many of us in churches and by professed Christians. We have known churches to be a front for sexual and ritual crimes. Abusers violating body, mind and soul, and, while preaching the Love of God destroying faith in God and man. Inflicting hurt upon Hurt. Professed christian friendships and relationships where, "love one another" has been lifted up as God's Will for all men has not stopped the hypocrisy of word wthout a life to back it up. I have personally listened to someone talking about love in action only to know the action to be cold,loveless rejection and refuting of my existence. The betrayal was shocking and has not been the only incident. Others have related the same experience of their Hurt being hurt. My mother's, "for your own good, because I love you" and proclaiming Biblical admonition of, " spare the rod and spoil the child", remained empty words in the light of the doorstepped isolated mileue in which I grew up. Religions of men and man-controlled doctrines have covered abuse with impuntiy through the years. However, more has been brought to light recently and the silence has been broken. We can be grateful for that. This is by no means dennouncing all Christians as being hypocrites. Those who preach and speak Love but their actions prove otherwise, and who never take ownership for those actions do not negate the presence of those who manifest Love in spirit, word and action and I know many such. Conversely, "Love" has been indoctrinated into the minds of children raised in cult environments who hold Satan as being the Almighty. The brainwashing with mantras such as, "We love you, if you ever try to leave us, you will find that no one outside will believe you or love you like we do". The child tortured in despicable ways is "saved" from their suffering by the perpetrator who assures them they are "loved" and that what has happened is making them strong, acceptable and praiseworthy, which of course is what the child craves. Programmed in a web of lies they form their definition of Love in the school of ritual abuse. What need to forgive someone who loves you? Odd, isn't it, how Christians and Satanists both use Love as the basis for their tenets. The former as a doorway for folk to go to heaven, the latter as a doorway to keep people in hell. Love being in word only where actions bring hurt, betrayal and a violation of everything Love is, be it God or man's definition. Then there are those who do not believe in God or Satan but abuse children without conscience in their perversions or other mental illnessness. The manipulation of body, mind and soul by distortion, mind games and deception molds the child in shapeless, changing realities causing them to believe they are the true manifestation of all they have been told they are. Whatever cateogry(s) we have experienced abuse it means carefully self-examining how we feel towards those who have abused us in such ways. Is Forgiveness a spiritual, personal, or societal requirement? Is it a requirement or a choice? It seems that what can bring about the need for Forgiveness can, and does, occur in all three realms mentioned above. These overlap with eachother since one cannot seperate ones soul fom ones personal life, nor, unless one lives in an inacccessable remote spot, be free of societal influence and presence. For me, the question asked if Forgiveness really is required, my response would be that if it is or if it isn't,it is a matter of personal choice, not a requirement. I do not think anyone has the responsibiliy or authority to tell someone else to forgive another. Whether one follows Biblical teaching, the Koran, Zen, Confuscianism or any one of the hundreds of faiths offered, or feels that agnosticism or atheism is correct - for me, the litmus test that displays what my choice is, is if the result brings me peace of heart, mind and soul. Bottom line, ones faith, personal story or Society's mores do not postulate a dictum for Forgiveness. The last two questions asked me, what happens to me if I don't forgive, or what do I get out of forgiving another is answered for me (I do not presume to speak for anyone else. This is my personal philosophy )in what I stated above. My deciding factor in all choices and decisions is that if the RESULT is peace of heart, mind and soul, this is what I seek and this is what I will always choose. All the questioning, analyzing, debating and arguing over whether I should forgive someone, (or anything related to anything, really), if it leaves me disturbed, frustrated, without answers, confused and doubting - is this what I want? The one important thing to remember is that forgiving first and foremost affects ME. The object of my forgiveness may or may not be made aware of it, and what they choose to do with it is entirely up to them. They might accept, reject, ignore,deny its veracity, or remain unaware if we choose not to tell them. What IS important is what have I done for ME ? Will forgiving release me from a heavy load carried around for years ? Can I release all the energy I have used in stuffing my emotions and now allow it to be channeled in healthier, happier directions? Will I have a peace I have never known because I have made a decision for ME ? Self-empowerment here. Forgiveness is not a requirement in my book, it IS a CHOICE and no one can make it for me, or for you. It will affect ME, if no one else. If forgiving sets me free from bondage to resentment, bitterness, revenge, and the power of an abuser to continue hurting my Hurt then I will choose accordingly. But this is for me. Lastly, what IS forgiveness ? I can only speak for myself. It does not mean forgetting, some things can never be forgotten and will stay with us till we die. Some folk have a habit of burying the hatchet then building a monument to remind them where it's buried. It is healthy to acknowledge that harm has been done to us but more harm can continue if we harbor ill feelings around past traumas that affect our physical, mental and emotional health. Forgiveness given or witheld does mean we take care of ourselves by choosing which will be the best for US. Goessoftly Retired Therapist www.goessoftlyishere.com (permission for reprints is required)   | Normalizing and Demystifying DID | DID and Littles.(Child/Young Alters) | ISOLATION | Mono's Disbelief | Distortion: Good and Evil | ASPECTS OF BODY CHANGES | Relationships | Across The Board | Across The Board | FORGIVENESS | Lies and Distortion | Headaches | LYING AND DECEPTION | LOST and LOSS | EYES | Controversy. Research projects. | Feeling is Healing | Alone and Aloneness | VICTIM or VICTOR ? | TEARS | Medication and DID | DID Emergency Room/Casualty and Crisis Center Guid | Acknowledging The Inside Community | The NO TALK Rule. Silencing. | | THE HEALING PROCESS | DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER | POETRY | Biographical Entries | THE OTHER SIDE OF LIFE | STORIES FOR LITTLES (Pigmus and friends) | SEEDLING THOUGHTS TO WATER | | Return Home | Great Links | Sign/View Guestbook | |
||
