LISTENING In response to a request in a newsletter for an article from a professional I have been giving a lot of thought to the matter of what is TRUE Listening. The thoughts below are not submitted as a research project or academic writing, but rather, a personal musing for my own benefit in how I might better listen to my clients, or in any interaction with friend or stranger. The readership of this newletter is composed mainly of people diagnosed with DID ( Dissociative Identity Disorder) along with some professionals in the mental health field. Having been a therapist in whose field perhaps the most important and vital component of the therapist/client work is in how each listens to the other, I would like to speak to this topic. It is one thing to listen. It is another to recognize what one is listening TO. Listening is more than hearing the message within the message. It is more than hearing words and understanding their dictionary meaning. While listening includes these, it is more important that the speaker be given full attention and focus by the listener and that he/she feels this actually to BE so. Listening is not a cerebral function, an academic accomplishment, a product of training, nor is it an educational exercise. Listening is the inner conviction of the speaker that they have truly been HEARD. By heard, I am not talking about dialogue simply entering ears as sound, for we can hear the sound of talk in any conversation. I mean that the speaker feels within him/herself that the essence and intent of what he/she has said is fully understood. In other words, the speaker knows it to be fact when their listener can tell them, " I hear not what you say but what you MEAN and what you are really trying to convey to me", and proves it with the response. This does not come about by parroting back the words of the speaker , nor paraphrasing, though this is sometimes necessary. Rather, the speaker gets the assurance that his/her FEELING has been felt more than that their words have been heard. I do not think listening is a head thing, but a heart thing. One could say something totally commonplace and ordinary but a person who is truly listening will know if the speaker is crying inside, is angry, afraid or something else - there will be an attunement to the unspoken, the emotional content that may or may not be reflected in the words themselves. We therapists can be guilty of listening to a client and then feeding back theory, interpretation, explanation, or justifications to them which causes our clients to distance from the needs they are bringing into session. It can also effectively silence them. Listening is not talking. To talk when someone is relating their distress, crying, or experiencing strong emotion reveals a lack of the listening concept. It is intrusive, disrespectful and violates the therapist's assurance they are there for their client. Being " there" in session for my client is recognizing the present need. It seems a weakness in many of us as therapists to be unable to be with a client in silence and allow them to fully experience their pain, anguish, rage or whatever is needing expression. True LISTENING is not about listening to the client's words. It includes this, but more importantly, it embraces listening to what is deep in the heart of the speaker. To be able to say, " I hear your pain". " I hear your grief". "I hear your rage". " I hear your loneliness, isolation, sense of invisibility, vulnerability, shame, guilt, self-hatred, humiliation," and so on. There are no WORDS to fully and truly describe emotional devastation, or the depth of what it is to be longing, aching, yearning for an unattainable someone, some thing or situation . This is especially true where transference feelings are from a preverbal state or adult trauma has robbed the ability to articulate emotions that have been beaten into numbness or silenced by external influence or persons. The true listener will convey their understanding of this without needing to explain, or try to interpret back to the client why they are crying, look angry, or appear terrified. There is no helpfulness in telling someone what they are more aware of than the listener! There is more healing in the client feeling their agony has been heard because their therapist has really listened to them. I have accomplished more with my clients by being silent and listening than I have by talking. This does not mean that when I am asked something I remain silent. If I am truly listening I will hear what is behind a question and respond to that. There is a balance that needs learning, and that is knowing when to speak and when to be silent. This skill comes through learning how to truly LISTEN. If one is in the client's chair it is not inappropriate to express to the therapist how they are coming over. I have learned more from my clients' honest comments about my errors in listening than being told I have heard them. However, there are lessons to learn from this side of the coin too. When my client has said to me, "Yes, that's exactly what I mean, " then we have something to work with. If my listening is not on track, then neither will my work be. This will result in the therapy coming to a halt or remaining in a stagnant pool that goes round in circles with nothing fresh being produced or coming from it. Working from my worldview will not help my client who can only see the world from their experience and story. Their frame of reference is only understood by my listening carefully to, and understanding, what that is. It has been said we all walk to the tune of a different drummer. I cannot hear the beat and rhythm of my client's drum if I hear only my own. True listening is tuning into a song that may be completely opposite to the one I sing myself. It might even clash in my ears as being inharmonious, but the point here, is that I will never see, hear or understand my client if I am only listening to myself. As a therapist, I must put myself OUT of the picture so my client is the only one IN it. When this happens, then they will feel assured, " My therapist is truly listening and is focussed fully on me. My agenda, my needs and my concerns are the important ones and not his/hers". Whether a person has a diagnosis of DID or not, good listening applies equally to both. For a Mulitple who has a system that is comprised of two to hundreds of alters or parts, EACH one, host and alters should be listened to as respected individuals. Basic and advanced listening skills apply to every person be they inside or outside a body. Bottom line, true LISTENING in my view, is using the inner ear that hears through the outer ear, and responds to where the client is, not projecting my own thinking, emotions, defenses or agenda onto them. Perhaps one of the most expressed complaints I have heard not only from my clients, but in everyday interactions with people where dilemmas arise, are, " Nobody listens to me" " Nobody hears what I'm saying". I hope we can learn better how to listen in a way that is respectful, empathic but not in a " I can fix it" approach, and allow the speaker to help us know if, indeed, we have not only listened but truly heard them. It is perhaps the greatest gift offered to a client, friend or stranger. Goessoftly Retired therapist www.goessoftlyishere.com (permission for reprints is required)  | LISTENING | RETRAUMATIZATION | PSYCHOBABBLE 1 | PSYCHOBABBLE 2A | PSYCHOBABBLE 2B | Did You Ever Push MY BUTTONS ! ! | Balance | THE INVISIBLE ONES | WEEDS | RECOGNIZING DISTRESS | COMMUNICATION | INTERVIEW (The lighter side) | INNOCUOUS INTERVIEW ? | The THERAPIST as RISK TAKER | TAINTED | CAN I TRUST YOU? | CAN I TRUST YOU? | CAN I TRUST YOU? | Me According to ME | | THE HEALING PROCESS | DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER | POETRY | Biographical Entries | THE OTHER SIDE OF LIFE | STORIES FOR LITTLES (Pigmus and friends) | SEEDLING THOUGHTS TO WATER | | Return Home | Great Links | Sign/View Guestbook | |
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