 There is a difference in meaning for me between LOSS and LOST. Loss, for me has the connotation of losing the ownership of something or a relationship with someone. It is more than likely that the dictionary puts no distinction between these two aspects of the verb to lose but for the way I will apply them, they address different aspects of The Healing Process. LOST. I am using this word to mean that the state of being in and feeling a loss of direction. The objective of a maze is to keep the visitor feeling LOST as long as possible. To keep them trying this way and that way and always coming to a dead end, going round in circles or repeatedly finding themselves on a previously tried path that goes nowhere. How many of us have felt life like this? A maze is a place where usually one finds few others wandering round, and most have heard the phrase, " Lost in a crowd" - so the lost feeling can be experienced amongst few or many. When I hear of being lost in a crowd I think of a child. I visualize a press of adults hovering round a loudly wailing toddler with tear-streaked cheeks and frightened eyes, completely oblivious of others' concern and wanting only to find Mommy. The lost one has wandered away from a familiar figure and found itself amongst strangers, scary, alien adults who loom so large and threatening in its Lilliputian world. The child knows not where to go and is dependent on the directives of those who tell it what to do. This is the basis of abuse victims, and specifically, Mutliples, whose paths from childhood are directed into a maze from which they continue through Life, to seek a way out. So often it begins with becoming lost from Mommy, Daddy, or the ones who, though familiar and present are seperated by reason of abuse and huge deficits in meeting the needs of their offspring. The many survivors with DID who have talked with, or written me of their years of struggle in the Maze tell the same stories. Seeking a Therapist who recognizes their condition and wandering from one to another ending in a cul-de-sac of misdiagnosis. Another path is tried, and another and another, only to see the walls or hedges either side of them claustraphobically urging them in this direction or that, getting nowhere. They meet others as confused and distressed as themselves, wandering in the land of the Lost and for some there is a respite in finding others in the same predicament, but it does not address their personal lost state. One needs to understand the mindset of the abusers. It is similar to the creator of a maze, namely to make sure there is no sense of direction, exit or escape from the planned ways to keep the child within their control. The purpose is to make sure the Lost feeling is engraved so deeply in the child's psyche that ONLY the words and directives of their abusers are felt to be right and the way to relief from confusion and terror. It is this subtle, pervasive and deeply felt conviction of the inability to ever discover a way of escape that keeps cult and other ritual abuse survivors within the confines of their psychological mazes. Those who have been experimented on with Mind Control have levels of mazes one upon another, and to exit from one can lead sraight back into another, and usually does. Intertwined with this Lost state and inseperable from its influence is the state of Loss. LOSS The victim of abuse suffers Loss of ownership as well as people. When I speak of ownership I am referring to retaining our sense of Self, of dignity, value/worth, individuality, self-confidence, having the right to speak out and have a voice, the ability to make right and wise decisions, to know we have options,and most of all, that there is such a thing as choice - even in such a mundane thing as choosing what to buy for lunch. In one article I wrote about the difference between an empty heart and an empty life. The former being the root of Loss and the complaints of the latter so often brought into the therapist's office, being the symptom. It is this soul-tormented sense of unrealness for the survivor who wonders if ANYTHING has been left of them, or if their very Self has been destroyed and only an empty physical vessel marks their presence. For the Multiple, sometimes the thought that perhaps only parts comprise who they are, that they themselves are not real, that nothing is real, and their Loss is total and unrecoverable. Conversely, those who struggle with acknowledging they have parts wonder how it is they feel so alienated from "normal" people and what exactly can be called their own in terms of thinking and how much is the distortion and learned behavior from their abusers based in lies. It is this depth of despair and mental anguish that perpetrators seek to instil in their victims, children specifically, while their mind is malleable to natural thought-shaping. Later, drugs and mind control keep adults in the same vice of perceived unreality. Thus the Loss is manifested in Lostness. Maze wanderings seeking answers and looking for a way out. I think that it is impossible for one who is suffering from the levels of Loss mentioned above and who has spent years in the maze, to free themselves without help. Folk who live in permanent denial can function at different levels of competence and achieve a minimal feeling of wellbeing, though this is sporadic and the unmet needs surface to show themselves in many ways. Relationships cannot be sustained, the workplace becomes a battlefield, social life deteriorates, sometimes to nothing, and many other attempts to enjoy living fail. When there is a final feeling sick of being sick these folk come into the office complaining of an empty life, when in fact, it is the empty heart full of Loss and they are feeling Lost. Those who recognize their state of Lostness seek help for that problem, and come to realize in what it is founded. Understanding of their Loss is not always a conscious or understood phenomenon. It is apt to be related in the light of Loss of someone other than themself. Unloving parents or caretakers who are felt with fathomless grief in the loss of their unavailaility emotionally, physically and psycholgocially. It is the unseen traumas resulting from the overt neglects that need the help of professionals experienced in trauma treatment. My own approach being eclectic,person centered, would seek to explore this felt destruction of a person's Self and their sense of unrealness. Looking at how it came about and through what,whom and when. Abuse and abusers can, and do, destroy a person's SENSE of Self, but they cannot destroy the ACTUAL Self without killing the body. We are comprised of body, mind and spirit (soul) and whether we are Mutliple or Mono/Singleton, whether we have parts/alters/insiders or none, it is the spirit that chooses to survive and hold onto life, Self and sanity. Alters/insiders are all part of the Multiple so those who might feel there are but parts left to them need to understand that if there are Parts left, they, themself, cannot have been destroyed for all are part of the whole . No one can be seperated from the others. Everyone is important, everyone has a role, everyone has contributed to surviving and staying alive. No matter what is done, told or inflicted by abusers trying to destroy the mind and often the body, they have NO power to destroy someone's soul (spirit), the part of us that will go on beyond this earth when the body dies. (I believe in a soul, and for those who do not I respect such views as being meanfulful to them). Yes, the spirit can be coerced, cowed and threatened into compliance to the perverted needs and gratification of maltreaters, but that survivors are still alive and seeking professional help, attests to the fact that their SPIRIT has not been destroyed. Obedience brought about by torture and mental manipulation is NOT the destruction of a person's spirit, nor is it the yielding of that spirit. It is compliance to forces stronger than the victim's ability to resist, either physically or mentally. I am continually in awe of the spirit to survive that brings men, women and children through such hell holes so often disblieved in the telling, by the general public, and worse, by mental health professionals. ( see my article Mono's Disbelief at: www.goessoftlyishere.com) Only WE have the control over our soul/spirit and where our spirit to heal is stronger than our fear of the maze, where we choose to seek help in our wanderings, and our spirit to LIVE is stronger than any urge to give up and give in, when we are determined not to let our abusers succeed in their despicable self-serving goals then we can know they will start losing their power the minute we find our voice, speak out, and begin the healing journey. For any reader who feels Lost, still wandering, and looking for the way out of the maze, or feeling a deep Loss may be able to relate here. Anyone experiencing a sense of Loss of Self or significant people who were not there for them as children, and alienated in adulthood by death or unaddressed abuse histories, it might be the time to begin the Healing Process with a Therapist who specializes in Trauma Treatment and/or Dissociative Identity Disorder. The journey is far from easy and confrontation with ourselves is often more difficult than recognizing our abusers for who and what they are, but with an experienced Therapist and a good support system in place we can gain the help we need. ALL mazes HAVE an exit and if we haven't found it yet it behooves us to look for a helping ear and heart and learn what our spirit from the beginning has sought to bring to our awareness. That we are special, valuable and individual people who have a place amongst mankind in our own right. Our spirit has brought us this far, it can carry us above our hurt Hurts and lead us to the place of knowing. The opposite to being lost is to find direction and with help we can choose which direction we wish to go. The opposite to Loss is possession, and we CAN take back our sense of Self and self-worth, our voice and self-respect. It has been DONE, and it can be done again - in you and in me. Not without great effort, slipping, sliding, tears often and feelings of despair - but it is not ALL doom and gloom. There will be humor, moments of joy, of comfort, of strength and victory and these are precious. Life consists of all these ups and downs, mountains and valleys - it is nicer to walk the journey with another or others and to know our troubles are not peculiar to us alone - that others experience the same feelings and thoughts - and best of all, that the doorway to freedom is not always shut and not always impossible to find. Our choice is to go through it and to claim back what we have lost, both in direction and our being who WE are. The answer is in US and it is up to us to find it. Goessoftly Retired Therapist. www.goessoftlyishere.com (Permission for reprints is required)   | Normalizing and Demystifying DID | DID and Littles.(Child/Young Alters) | ISOLATION | Mono's Disbelief | Distortion: Good and Evil | ASPECTS OF BODY CHANGES | Relationships | Across The Board | Across The Board | FORGIVENESS | I am BAD | Headaches | LYING AND DECEPTION | LOST and LOSS | EYES | Controversy. Research projects. | Feeling is Healing | Alone and Aloneness | VICTIM or VICTOR ? | TEARS | Medication and DID | DID Emergency Room/Casualty and Crisis Center Guid | Acknowledging The Inside Community | The NO TALK Rule. Silencing. | | THE HEALING PROCESS | DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER | POETRY | Biographical Entries | THE OTHER SIDE OF LIFE | STORIES FOR LITTLES (Pigmus and friends) | SEEDLING THOUGHTS TO WATER | | Return Home | Great Links | Sign/View Guestbook | |
||
