   I have been musing on the subject of lying and deception and whether the two are the same thing using two different words ? This is on my mind because of people emailing me asking how I am, the same verbally, and my wish not to distress them. Also, not wanting a plethora of "cures" for my ailments, or simply that I do not wish them to know the extent of my illness. I am in a quandry here as to what to do. If we are honest we will admit to having at one time or another, or perhaps most of the time, when asked how we are, to automatically respond with, " Fine, thanks", no matter that we are feeling exhausted, afraid, anxious, ill or whatever. To then say we are not lying, is a lie and perhaps in our mind we really feel we are NOT lying, but never-the-less it is also deception, because we do not wish the other person to know we are not in top shape, or we fear they will go tell others we aren't well, ( a fear of mine for I know so many people and word travels faster than lightening), or we don't want to be fussed over or "advised" what to do etc. Many reasons for not telling the whole truth - and is not telling the whole truth, lying? Maybe this should be put under Seedling Thoughts to Water ? So I lie - and say I'm okay. I have a hard time with people who are so adamant in averring they never lie about their health. To me, that is not only lying it is also deception to a considerable degree. Of course, if they can truly and honestly say they know they are telling the other person all that person would like, or need to know, then that is not lying. One can, I suppose, persuade oneself one is not lying by witholding details and so we have not said anything untrue - we just haven't said ANYTHING. I also believe we have the right to choose what or how much we pass on to anyone of what is asked of us, but to admit when we are doing so. I know if I were to go to a doctor today I would not tell him/her everything because I have my own doctor who knows my body very well and I cannot lie to him because he sees everything, but then I trust him implicitly for what is needed to restore me to health. Other doctors I would not go into explanations and descriptions of my condition - this is lying, and again, I know most other people do and have done this, and to say they do not lie, is to me, very distasteful, because it is not true. It is also deception, and I need to be honest and admit I have done this when needing to see a doctor - I did it when I went to see an oncologist last year putting on a face of actually feeling more energy than I really felt, even though I was being perfectly truthful about my cancer having been destroyed. Another seedling thought to water - WHY do we lie like this? I KNOW I am not alone in doing this sort of thing - and it is not just in the area of health, but how we might be feeling emotionally and in other situations. I can be curling up inside with anxiety but do not show it and this is deception. I can say, " I'm fine", when I am crying in my heart because of having lost a dear friend but not wishing to pour my grief on another - but this is lying and it is deception and to give it another name is, in my mind, dishonest. I cannot avow distaste and abhorrance of deception in others when I deceive in these ways. I know my friend here has had not the LEAST idea of the emotional and psychological hell I have been through these days, and I think of many friends of mine who live lives of deception because of a diagnosis that isolates them, who must function "normally" in the world and live their private hells unknown to the general public in which they move and work. They would not state they do not deceive or lie, for they must do so to survive in a world that disbelieves their stories and would hurt their HURTS beyond imagining if they were to be open and truthful about their terrors, physical traumas and emotional holocausts. I have had many discussions with them about the need to lie, to deceive and how they hate the lives they have to live, and the ironic part of it all is that they are how they are BECAUSE of being conditioned and programmed for years in the lying and deception of those who perpetrated their sufferings. Most devastating, and the hardest to come to terms with for them, being that these abusers were their parents, family, people who should be the most trusted, loved and looked to by the small child throughout its formative years. The ultimate betrayal. So, my thoughts go to this question - do I lie, and am I deceitful because of how both these were part of my surviving tools growing up, or am I that way by nature, or did I learn it from abusers without realizing that lying and deception were being employed - or all of above? Where I am staying, I am not wholly truthful when asked how I am because I do not wish them to be over concerned when they are worried enough as it is by looking at me, and know I have more than once wondered if I would make it - so I lie and say I feel better than I do. How often do we keep others in the home unaware of how we really feel so they don't "hover", want to wipe our fevered brow or ask if they can take us to the doctor? (this last being my case here). Is this not deception, are we not lying? I think it is, and I think we are - and to me, this is being truly honest. To deny it by rationalizing or justifying is being dishonest. Bottom line, on deeper thinking, the issue is not whether what we say is a lie, a white lie, a little or big lie, but that is IS a lie. To DENY this is where, for me, the abhorrence comes in. When people tell me they are not lying because....... and explain their reasons and then go on to state their honesty, really rubs me the wrong way. It feels self-righteous - I hear shades of my mother who always felt it alright to "bend the truth" if it presented the right impression. I hate impressions - meaning, wanting to create an impression rather than being who and how we are. I am feeling this conflict again in what it right here - to lie or not to lie. It seems when reaching the extremities of weakness that there is no resistance to denial but I do not wish to avoid being honest with myself. So I am wondering if I should NOT lie to my friend and say exactly how I feel and what I know is happening to my body - and the queston I ask, is,"What would be the objective?" If it is only to prove to myself I am not lying but to do so adds to my friend's stress, worry and burden - is that right? ( They could not have done MORE and I am indebted forever). Is it not inconsiderate, supremely selfish to unburden myself at the expense of burdening them ? Such an agenda feels very wrong to me. Ones intent and motive for doing anything is always important to me - and this is where the white lie comes in - but a lie is a lie is a lie - and a lie is always deception, whether it is a white, big, small lie or bent truth. Yet anything like that done at the expense of another does not feel right. Oh dear - help. On the other hand - perhaps I should ask them if they would like to know and then the choice is theirs as to whether or not to relate my condition? Of course, a little voice inside immediately pipes us with, "Why bring the subject up? If they want to know they will ask." To which I have to reply, but they DID ask, and I said, "I was fine" . Big lie - well, I do say when I am feeling really dizzy - rather hard to hide when I am reeling around, and I do state when I need to lie down and they can see clearly that I have wilted. etc. And what, Goessoftly, is the point of all this Gobbledygook? The point is - is there a VALID reason for lying and deceiving given certain circumstances, or should one never take into consideration the feelings and concern of others and blurt out everything regardless of consequences? ( and for my DID friends of whom there are MANY - they have been tortured, conditoned and programmed NOT to show pain, emotions or blurt out ANYTHING). My own conclusion tends towards being honest as far I am willing to be, and as far as the deception of not giving minute details because of personal preference for whatever reason, is alright, because I think we all have the right to say what we wish or not say. The MAIN point to myself is - that MOST important is to ADMIT that in the doing so I AM lying and I AM deceiving and not try call it by any other name. I have no discomfort at all with this thought -I do not feel right inside, in denying this is what it is. Now, I need to think about how to answer my emails honestly. In fact, it occurs to me I can say what I wish and add that I am not telling the whole picture and this way there is no deception. Mmmmmmm, I think this is what I will do. At least the ones who are DID who have written me recently with their concerns understand so well the predicament I am feeling, for they live with it all the time and we connect very well in admission of lying and deception. I do love it when we have this between us, being honest and up front. As Goethe wrote: " Daring ideas are like chess men moved forward. They may be beaten, but they may start a winning game". I would like to move forward in daring admission of when I lie and deceive by omission no matter what the reason behind, and not excuse, defend, explain or justify, but rather, perhaps start a winning game in which I will admit where I am holding back for whatever reason and not give an impression that either I want friends and strangers to see, or that they and the world expects. Goessoftly Retired Therapist www.goessoftlyishere.com (permission for reprints is required)  | Normalizing and Demystifying DID | DID and Littles.(Child/Young Alters) | ISOLATION | Mono's Disbelief | Distortion: Good and Evil | ASPECTS OF BODY CHANGES | Relationships | Across The Board | Across The Board | FORGIVENESS | I am BAD | Headaches | LYING AND DECEPTION | LOST and LOSS | EYES | Controversy. 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