 There is a common theme running through the survivors' stories that I have come up against time after time. The statement, " I am bad", "I am to blame" " I am no good", " Of no value, so messed up no one would ever want me, look at me or love me", that, " Anyone I love dies, so it is my fault". that, " If anyone likes me something bad will happen to them" , that, " No matter what I do it never goes anywhere". " My mom/.dad/.teacher, was right, I'm a failure and and will never amount to anything". The list of self - recriminatory and self-denigrating comments is endless. My response is always the same . " So you are bad, unloveable, will fail, will be left, rejected" ( whatever the case may be) according to WHO? Who told you you are such and such?" Perhaps it might be helpful when we are plagued with such self-demeaning descriptions of who we are, to ask this question, " ACCORDING TO WHOM?" For abused children who are told daily how worthless they are, this being well driven home and ingrained with beatings and body violations - they start to truly BELIEVE what they are told according to their ABUSERS. They are never allowed to question or ask themselves who am I according to ME? When I have asked clients if THEY would choose to do, or have done to them, the things they have been told make them so bad and unwanted, less than human beings,there is a unanimous denial of such desires or wishes. What is not understood until pointed out, is that what WE would choose that is not what we have been made to do, think, feel, or have done to us - is according to who WE are, that this is Me according to ME . So a little exercise that might be helpful in sorting out a new way to see oneself, would be to write in a journal or write down seperate entries - Me according to Mom, Me according to Dad, Me according to family members Me according to the cult Me according to - and name,those other than family who have told us how THEY see us. Then spend a little while to REALLY think about what deep down in our heart we know is how WE feel about the very things we were made to do, say (or recite because we knew what was expected. or what we hoped was the right thing because if it wasn't we would get hurt worse), or have had done to us Finshing with - " Me according to ME" When we live according to someone else's image and opinion of us,it is so easy to be unaware that we are doing so. For example, we are adament that if we love anyone or allow them to come close to us, they will eventually reject us,leave us or die. Most survivors have had this drummed into them at a very young age. In cults, often children's perpetrators have given them a puppy or kitty to love and play with, only to have it taken away,tortured or killed in front of them. The lesson being, that if they ever love anything this is what will happen to the object of their affection. It is made even more threatening and terrifying by replacing the animal with someone they love such as telling them their mommy, daddy or best friend will end up the same way as the kitty or puppy will if they dare to love them more than, or as much as, they should love the cult and those who "take care" of them there The child's mind is brainwashed to believe that anyone they would turn to, or look for love and acceptance, will abandon them or die. It is not uncommon in Cults for there to actually be a child sacrificed in front of the one they were told to befriend to teach this lesson - that loving someone will always end in loss, death and unfathomable grief. Words spoken hold as much value as the one who speaks them. Those who torture and abuse, who tell their victims they are not fit to live in the world, who force them to do despicable things, and who do despicable things TO them, their words are as true and as worth-filled as they are. These are men and women who punish children and fellow human beings in horrifying ways. Who, according to Law and decency, would be imprisoned or have the death penalty if they had the temerity and arrogance to do their deeds in public. But they do NOT reveal their crimes. They hide because they KNOW their deeds are evil. They keep their covens and cults in secrecy becasue they dare not allow the public to know who they are. They use the "ACCORDING TO" their orders, brainwashing and mind control to keep their victims silent and subservient to avoid exposure. Do we live according to the words of such people, these abusers and perpetrators, breakers of the law, without conscience, morality or remorse ? The insidious way this false belief "according to" is engraved on the child's mind, or the teenager or adult, makes it very difficult to understand that it is NOT the truth. Love, for example, is thus connected with hurt, and more often than not,death. Later in life should the person dare to love someone and perhaps that friend dies of an illness, is in an accident, or commits suicide - there is the immediate guilt, remorse and self- castigation that if they hadn't loved that friend, he or she would not have died. There has never been a death certificate where the cause of death recorded has been the word " Love". (If anyone HAS seen such a document please contact me and send a copy of such a certificate). So, one approach to understanding who we are, and perhaps seeing ourselves in a different light, is to honestly and courageously, write our little vignettes of who we are ACCORDING to those we remember telling us over and over who we are according to THEM. Afterwards, write down, " Who I am according to ME" This is a short little blurb, but it challenges the foundation of abuse - which is to rob someone of their sense of Self . How many times do we hear, " I don't know who I am?" " I am searching to find myself" It would be so helpful to STOP living according to others and begin to learn how to live as, " Me according to ME" Next time we find ourselves telling ourselves " I am a failure", or "I can never be loved ", or "No one would want to be near me if they really knew me" Ask, " According to WHO? " If we can think of ONE person who repeatedly, or daily told us that,then it is NOT according to US - we are living according to Mom or Dad, rapist or cult trainer or someone whose agenda is to make sure we never discover our OWN good heart,the loving, sensitive, yearning to be free part of us that is really "ME". It is so hard NOT to live in the " according to's" - to search deeply into our own heart and soul and ask ourself, do I feel the things I have been made to do since I was a small child is really ME? Could I have been stronger than the adult who told me to do them and NOT have done them? What would have happened had I stood up and said "No" ? I didn't because I would have been hurt far worse and I was terrified because I was only a small child. As the ubiquitous cliche goes - "But that was then, this is now". What about TODAY? How are we living our lives ? According to yesterday, the past, our childhood, others' descriptions of us, old messages, old images, books ? There is nothing more powerful than living from WITHIN, meaning, that we live according to what feels is in line with our own conscience, integrity and that gut feeling of what is right or wrong. Congruent with what feels true to one's Self. It is not self-empowering to value, judge, critique ourselves and paint our self-portraits from an external source. To look for, seek approval from and depend on outside sources that will differ with each person we look to, creates confusion and stress in the sorting out When we wear the character-clothes others dress us in and see them as dirty, torn, ugly, repulsive and so forth, we crumble as soon as we look in our Self mirror. This image seems to throw us straight back into quoting according to those who have already given us our lines so we automatically repeat, " I'm bad", " If I love someone they would leave me if they knew what I was REALLY like". "it's all my fault", and so on. We can give ourselves a whole new wardrobe of brand new clothes when we take time to make a true effort to dress according to US. When others meet us are they seeing a reflection of someone else's creation of who we are according to our BELIEF in it, or can they see " Me according to ME?" Goessoftly Retired Therapist http://www.goessoftlyishere.com Permission for reprints is required.   | LISTENING | RETRAUMATIZATION | PSYCHOBABBLE 1 | PSYCHOBABBLE 2A | PSYCHOBABBLE 2B | Did You Ever Push MY BUTTONS ! ! | Balance | THE INVISIBLE ONES | WEEDS | RECOGNIZING DISTRESS | COMMUNICATION | INTERVIEW (The lighter side) | INNOCUOUS INTERVIEW ? | The THERAPIST as RISK TAKER | TAINTED | CAN I TRUST YOU? | CAN I TRUST YOU? | CAN I TRUST YOU? | Me According to ME | | THE HEALING PROCESS | DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER | POETRY | Biographical Entries | THE OTHER SIDE OF LIFE | STORIES FOR LITTLES (Pigmus and friends) | SEEDLING THOUGHTS TO WATER | | Return Home | Great Links | Sign/View Guestbook | |
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