 TEARS
An email from a dear friend who is multiple and whose parts are as equally dear to me, brought tears to my eyes causing me to think about the source of tears and what allows them to flow over the boundary that dams them back. Perhaps one of the hardest things for survivors to do, is cry. In this email, I was profoundly moved by a sentence that was written, "Why do i cry? because, at last, i can". In these words lies the whole history of pain, loss, grief and and struggle that does not BEGIN to describe the story behind them. All that has been experienced as an SRA/MC survivor that the thousands who share these experiences will know of what I write, and therefore, also know the enormity of loss that has broken down the conditioning, the torture, the programming and abuse that forbids crying. In another article I speak of tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of grief, tears of enlightenment, so many kinds of tears. So many reasons for weeping. But today, the aspect of tears I am addressing, is this ability to allow oneself to cry with the knowledge that, " because, at last, I can". Society's expectation, especially for men, where weeping is concerned, it is a sign of weakeness, and for males or females where loss occurs, one needs to " keep a stiff upper lip and get on with life". This expectation when made part of child raising criteria sets an inside alert that it is not acceptable to cry . For children, one must, " Be brave", " Big boys and girls don't cry" and in less congenial homes it is, " Shut up. I don't want to hear you snivelling. " or, "get over it. It's not the end of the world". Whatever the admonition the message is clear. It is NOT okay to cry. While this insertion of "crying is taboo in Society's view" -( a reflection on its standard of decorum if you will), the method of ingraining it comes about from family upbringing, and conforming to societal mores. This is a millenium away from the how the "no crying" order is implanted in the mind of the brainwashed child subjected to torture, psychological, sexual and emotional abuse in its extreme. When extreme physical, psychological and emotional PAIN is consistently asssociated with tears and that PAIN is relieved when crying is controlled and held back, which option do you think the child will choose ? After time, it is no longer an unbelievable effort to control the shuddering that hides the sobs, the screams, the terror and despair. It becomes resignation, unquestioning obedience and an expressionless mask wipes all emotion from the child's normally expressive face. A face now empty of any hint of feelings pushed so deeply from awareness that later, after growing years the adult can appear a perfect stoic in the face of tragedy. Conversely, instead of blankness, a smiling face is just as much a mask, pasted on firmly with the glue of fear. Who suspects a smile of hiding terror, covering feelings never associated with smiling. Fear, grief, loneliness, hurt, anger, confusion, the list is endless but the smile must not fade. So often before a person comes to the therapist's office with symptoms of unknown origin and before the extent of their traumas comes to light, there is often no consciousness that the inability to cry might be anything than, "Just something I don't do, is. cry. No big deal, I'm just not a demonstrative person". A client who later discovers they have a history of ritual abuse where not only have they personally been terrrorized to suppress emotion but have had to watch without expression loved ones, pets, family, friend or other children undergo torture or sacrifice. (or do it themselves). To see them suffer even more if tears should start to flow. Which option do you think the child will choose? Slowly, the client is helped to understand that not being able to cry is not an innate or genetic characteristic but one instilled by systematic coercion of the most despicable kind. So what is able to break down this implacable wall cemented in preplanned conditioning of a child's defencelessness? I was in a home many years ago where two elderly women ran a Post Office. In those days, in England, coal was used for fire fuel and often delivered in huge boulder-sized chunks that were thrown into whatver space was allotted for them. The ladies had a stone shed in their yard into which a miniature mountain of coal was poured. A burst of something assailed me and I offered to fill up the coal hod for them and break up some of the hunks of coal which would leave them better able to manage it themselves. Hammering away with a hammer, and getting nowhere, ( seemed my muscles stood out like knots on cotton), my patience was fast running out. After one final herculean SMASH which resulted in a scarcely visible chip in one huge block, I gave up. As I was about to leave, I gently tapped the block in passing and it broke into a myriad fragments and small easily maneuvable lumps. A lesson I have never forgotten. Love, conveyed through a Gentle touch can accomplish so much more than hammering away with brute force. Abuse survivors have known nothing but brute force beating messages into their malleable minds as young children. When it comes to ritual abuse, cult activites, mind control and sadistic practice, one of the first messages seared into the child's list of rules, is, " Do NOT cry. " The vessel fired in this crucible of PAIN, comes out a falsely smiling youngster, or masked blank face on which a tear can never glisten. It has been my experience working with survivors for whom there is no definition of Love and certainly no concept of true gentleness, to find it takes so long before these salves for wounded hearts begin to work their healing. But sometimes, what breaks the mountain of distrust and emotionless veneer is one small gentle tap given lightly to the heart that brings a realization, " I have been loved and didn't know it", or, "someone truly cares for ME", or, as my dear friend wrote on losing one who loved her and whom she loved, " why do I cry? because, at last, I can". Because, at last, there is no need to fear a reprimand or punishment for hurting, grieving, weeping for lost years, lost loves, an isolated, lonely desperate seeking soul able finally to FEEL. "why do I cry?" - because I have never known before the cleansing tears can bring. Because I am no longer chained to someone else's will. I do not have to bury grief deep deep inside beyond the touch of comfort from an understanding friend. To feel remorse for things I had to do without a choice. Because my loneliness need not be hidden any more and I can weep for all the years I spent outside the hearts of others in cold rejection and the cruelty of man, in the misunderstanding of a blinded world. Now I feel the pain of others, their anguished struggles, the weariness, exhaustion that I know so well and watch them drag another step, fight another battle, win and lose, win and lose, fall and rise, fall and rise - live and die. Tears roll freely down my face today and I am asked, "why do you cry?" and remembering past hells, remembering my friends, remembering there is NO shame in tears and standing free and safe today, I answer gratefully and simply, " because, at last, I can". Goessoftly Retired therapist www.goessoftlyishere.com (Permission for reprints is required).   | Normalizing and Demystifying DID | DID and Littles.(Child/Young Alters) | ISOLATION | Mono's Disbelief | Distortion: Good and Evil | ASPECTS OF BODY CHANGES | Relationships | Across The Board | Across The Board | FORGIVENESS | I am BAD | Headaches | LYING AND DECEPTION | LOST and LOSS | EYES | Controversy. Research projects. | Feeling is Healing | Alone and Aloneness | VICTIM or VICTOR ? | TEARS | Medication and DID | DID Emergency Room/Casualty and Crisis Center Guid | Acknowledging The Inside Community | The NO TALK Rule. Silencing. | | THE HEALING PROCESS | DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER | POETRY | Biographical Entries | THE OTHER SIDE OF LIFE | STORIES FOR LITTLES (Pigmus and friends) | SEEDLING THOUGHTS TO WATER | | Return Home | Great Links | Sign/View Guestbook | |
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