 Perhaps the word most commonly used for those recovering from a childhood of abuse and trauma, is - Survivor. While this is a word that connotes great courage, endurance, motivation and determination to heal and be free of the overt and covert effects of trauma, yet for me, it does not quite embrace how I perceive the step by step, day by day accomplishment that can be as seemingly insignificant as stepping outside fom the safety of ones home to speaking publicly on television or at a conference before hundreds of strangers. It takes more than survival skills to be able to overcome agoraphobic paralysis to leave the house when everything inside is shriveling up at the thought of opening the door and being seen by anyone near enough to look at us. It is much more than stopping a self-protection reaction to overcome the urge to back out of a situation however innocuous, and facing whatever is needed. It takes more than rustling up courage to speak ones opinion to an authority figure, to get dressed when every fibre in ones being seems glued to the bedsheets and shutting out the world as the best way to start the day. It requires more than determination to make and keep to a decision regardless of other's objections, to not pick up the bottle of pills to relieve stress when music, a walk or calling a friend would do the same thing, It isn't surviving to do these things - it is VICTORY. Surviving, in my mind, means being somehow able to keep alive when death is the only other option, to use these skills when to lack them means dying, to endure pain, despair and hopelessnes when these are all that create the atmosphere of daily existence - this is surviving - but it is VICTORY to ACCOMPLISH the things that keep one doing and continuing to do each and every task, be it physical or verbal, day after day. Victory is Victory. There is no small victory, or large victory in my mind. Victory is not determined by the greatness of the battle or the strength of the defeated enemy, but by the greatness of the heart that fights and the strength of purpose and desire to win beating in that heart. The diffence between a survivor and a victor is like the difference between existing and living. The latter in both cases includes a deeper, richer, more meaningful component of the awareness ( or maybe unawareness!) that for me, goes further than surviving and existing. Victory proves that surviving has paid off. That what we feel is so feeble is not so much feebleness as a victory in using the little strength we have. That our hopelessness has not been allowed to drag us under the waters of disabling depression but we realize hopelessness is a feeling and is very different from BEING without Hope. That our trembling inner,hidden terror has been fought and overcome in the victory of daring to speak, to choose, to refuse, to leave, to come - every small step that before was seen as using survival skills can now be recognized as steps of VICTORY . A Victor does away with the submissive mein of the Victim. The person whose very walk, bowed shoulders, downcast eyes tells all who see them, "here is opportunity for manipulation and continued victimization". The victim lives in the dream of "maybes", "what ifs", "if onlys" and "one day". I am often weak, fearful, wavering, grief-stricken, lacking in self-confidence, weary or exhausted in the battle. There are times of feeling guilty, full of shame, self loathing, dirty and humiliated. Times I am harrassed and sought by past abusers trying to reaccess and reprogram. Memories and flashbacks, night terrors and nightmares robbing me of sleep. Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy, if I made it all up, and triggers bring the terror back . But this is NOT STAYING IN THE VICTIM ROLE. These emotions, thoughts, reactions but pave the path to HEALING and lay foundation stones on which true Victory is built. Victory is MORE than surviving - within its cry lies the "excelsior" - I DID it ! I climbed the mountain and reached the top! I overcame my monster, my enemy, my Achilles heel! I DID it ! I am no longer called a Victim. I am no longer powerless. I am no longer silent. I am no longer ruled by Lies. Now, I have stopped obeying orders without question. Now, I can choose what feels right for me. I am NO LONGER called a Victim. I am MORE than a SURVIVOR. I am a VICTOR. Goessoftly Retired Therapist www.goessoftlyishere.com (permission for reprints is required)   
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