 Above the beginning of this Article you will read a very short but powerful little Poem. It can be found on: http://www.angelfire.com/my/sherbear/ I asked Sherry for permission to use it for one of my Articles and she kindly agreed to this. For those whose eyesight, like mine, is not the best, I will quote the poem below. The emotional garden grows many weeds that strangle our hopes and smothers our needs. We must pull the weeds in order to grow working with caution pulling them slow. The garden again will flourish and thrive by what we had done to help it survive. Anyone interested in gardening knows that the biggest cause of "failure to thrive" of any plant are Weeds. They are the growers' nightmare. Someone might say, "But I think aphids or leaf mold etc., are worse. My rebuttle to that is that if Weeds grow there would be NO plant or flower for insects or anything else to feed on. This isn't a case of which comes first, the egg or the chicken. For aphids and the like to survive the plant must come first. The priority of weeding and the effort put into it is in exact correlation to the motivation and desire of the grower to see his plant grow into a healthy flowering of beauty and fragrance. To take this analogy into the Healing Process, to what then, do we liken Weeds? In my book, they are anything that would hinder, strangle, choke or destroy the possibility of Growth. Weeds can grow singly or in clumps. They can have one or many roots and grow straight up or spread out. There is no limit to their insidious slow squeezing out of the sap and breath of the plant. Since Weeds sown in the heart, mind and soul of the abused child or adult are as varied and many as those in a garden it would be an effort in futility to try to cover all or begin to do justice to to them. I will muse on the two Weeds that most stunted my own growth towards Healing. If they resonate with the reader it will confirm for me these Weeds were not singular in their priority and prevalence at the time they controlled my life. The two most destroying Weeds for me were Fear and Distrust. 1. FEAR There is a continuum to fear. At one end is mild Anxiety and the other end evinces pure Terror.The determining factor of where we find ourselves on this spectrum is found in the type, severity, and length of experiencing what is fear producing. It is also affected by the relationship of the abuser to the abused. The infliction of threat and pain from a relative will have a very different effect than coming from a stranger. Recently I was asked a question that was qualified with the statement, " I don't want to scare you". I replied, " I don't scare". Later, on reflection I was jolted by the memory of the time when the saying, " scared spitless" was both literally and figuratively an accurate description of how I would have reacted. I was aware of just how the Fear Factor (FF) Weeds have been pulled out of my life in my gardening efforts since those days. Amongst natural Weeds there are some I have discovered that with the exception of plowing up the whole garden, ( hysterical shrieks at the thought), can only be kept in control by regular stunting of their growth. Am sure someone reading this will know what it is like to tug on a Weed to find its roots go on, and on, and on, and on ( no, the keys didn't get stuck). This breed of Weed cannot be eradicated, it is the regular monitoring and "pruning" that prevents it from strangling the plant. This is Fear. We can overcome one fear but there will always be another or other fears taking root and trying to take over. It goes on and on and on and on. Fear cannot be eliminated but we can walk BESIDE it, not IN it. The Fear Factors I used to walk IN and now walk beside, though now and then I slip off the path and find myself back on the old one, are these: Fear of rejection, (a huge one), fear of abandonment, (another monster), fear of someone discovering what the bad and valueless person I really was, (a secret fear mostly unvoiced). Fear of my abusers, fear of drowning, and the dark. Fear of pain, of threats, of daring to be assertive, of being Chinese/different and mixing with whites and other races. Fear of Authority figures, of taking exams, perfoming and speaking in front of others. My Weeds were many and pernicious in how their roots spread up and outwards wrapping their tentacles around my heart and thoughts and soul, as Sherry wrote, "strangling hope and smothering needs". Today, I walk parallel to most of these fears, occasionally sliding back into one or two, but I have put a wide swath between the two paths. They are still parallel and always will be,but the swath is growing wider. I keep in mind that Fear can NOT disappear permanently because other FFs spring up in new situations and experiences. However, there is a great and life-saving difference between being controlled by something because it is around us all the time, and walking with an ever increasing distance between us and the FF. The gardening tools that hoe, dig and rake Weeds away can be accessed in therapy and diligent self efforts at home. Looking for, and having, healthy role models is also helpful since someone who is drowning is hardly in a position to save another who is in the same predicament. This is not to say that the person who is healing cannot help another for there is the truth that those who walk in the same moccasins most definitely have a sense and feeling that cannot be replicated. For example, those who have lost a loved one do not need words to comfort eachother in their loss. There is a "knowing" that needs no words - and one cannot emphasize enough, the help survivors can give one another. Deep Weeding needs more, and this is found in therapy with a Gardner who can be ruthless with the Weeds but Gentle with the plant. Again, as a Therapist, I ask myself how I can better help my clients in the Weeding out of Fear, remembering that I can only help weed those Weeds I have dealt with myself. 2.DISTRUST This Weed is still present in my garden but compared to my total distrust of EVERYONE, it is hardly recognizable today. As a child and teenager, I distrusted people, words, motives, smiles (especially smiles), in fact, I do not think I can think of anything or anyone I did trust until I was 19yrs and had proved the unswerving love and care of a woman who loved me through all my unloveableness. She had the same love for music, Nature and books that I did. She didn't judge or criticize my habits of smoking, swearing or drinking but simply loved me. I think the only answer to trust is the test of Time. I have to admit to being stumped to offer a recipe for pulling out the Weed of Distrust. I do know that in the therapeutic alliance between client and therapist, little or nothing can be accomplished without a modicum of Trust. This is a slow fruition but consistency, true listening, honesty and integrity and genuine care in the Therapist will go a long way to help our clients at least put their hand on the Weed of Distrust and take a small tug at it. Trust is never a fast acqusition, and Distrust ingrained from constant betrayal from those who should be most trusted is a ubiquitous Weed whose roots entwine around every aspect of an abuse survivor's life and living. If my reader knows a tool for ridding our garden of this pernicious Weed, please write your comments in the Guest Book that would help me and others in the Healing Process. (found at: www.goesoftlyishere.com) An added nutrient to Distrust as it grows is the constantly feeling Unsafe. Perhaps one tool to use for those of us who help our clients work their Weed-filled plots is to provide a Safe environment. Here, Trust can grow and push out Distrust as it increases. I do not have answers for this one. I do know that because my Trust is now about 70% as opposed to the 100% Distrust I used to have, I can help a few to come as far as I have. I cannot help anyone go further than I have gone myself. I do know I can now respond with, " I don't scare", and there are many more Weeds I am working on daily. The trick is not to uproot the plant with the Weeds ! This is where therapeutic skills come into play. May we, who genuinely believe in the beauty dormant in clients who see only ugliness in themselves, help them pull out the Weeds. If we can, they will not only see they DO have Beauty but also know the fragrance of Life going out from their garden. Goessoftly Retired Therapist. www.goessoftlyishere.com (permission for reprints is required)   | LISTENING | RETRAUMATIZATION | PSYCHOBABBLE 1 | PSYCHOBABBLE 2A | PSYCHOBABBLE 2B | Did You Ever Push MY BUTTONS ! ! | Balance | THE INVISIBLE ONES | WEEDS | RECOGNIZING DISTRESS | COMMUNICATION | INTERVIEW (The lighter side) | INNOCUOUS INTERVIEW ? | The THERAPIST as RISK TAKER | TAINTED | CAN I TRUST YOU? | CAN I TRUST YOU? | CAN I TRUST YOU? | Me According to ME | | THE HEALING PROCESS | DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER | POETRY | Biographical Entries | THE OTHER SIDE OF LIFE | STORIES FOR LITTLES (Pigmus and friends) | SEEDLING THOUGHTS TO WATER | | Return Home | Great Links | Sign/View Guestbook | |
||
